Update 072922

Hello my Zebras and Spoonies! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. Today I’m just going to be talking about how things have been going in my life.

I have been struggling over the past couple of weeks. I mean, the struggle has been there for years, really. But there are easier and harder times. This has been a harder time. Life is presenting me with a great deal of uncertainty and I have gotten better at dealing with that, but it is still difficult for me. It is uncomfortable to find myself again in this limbo of asking myself what I should be doing next. Seems I have been asking that question a lot lately and haven’t really discovered a good answer yet.

We have been sorting through our belongings. We are sorting out what we are keeping and what we are going to get rid of because we have entirely way too much stuff. We are likely going to be moving and if we do, it is likely that it will be to a smaller apartment then the one we are currently living in. Yet, even if the move doesn’t happen, it would be nice to have less stuff since it feels like there is never a place for anything.

The process of going through my belongings is stressful. It creates a disruption in my environment and routine that I find unsettling. It also means giving away things that I would rather like to keep if I had the space for it. This is one of those things that a person either will relate to or not and I can’t explain it but getting rid of belongings has always felt risky to me. Money is never guaranteed and you might find things useful in the future. Keeping them means that you have it and you don’t have to worry about it.

So, yeah there has been a good deal of stress and anxiety as a result. This always leads into something flaring up. Right now it is currently a migraine that hasn’t really gone away despite using my medications. It has been five days of trying to get things done while trying to manage the migraine symptoms. I have also been having a low grade MCAS flare with itching and general allergy symptoms kicking in. This results in me feeling like hot garbage. But the fact of the matter is that until this process is complete, I am likely to stay in a flare state. This makes it difficult to know where the balance is between resting and just pushing to get it done.

I have finished my contract and am waiting for my agent to find me additional work. With all the demand for nurses out there you wouldn’t think this would be such a process. Yet, it has been. I know that part of the problem is that the agency is working just as under staffed as the hospitals have been and there is a struggle to get all the work done. And their work is getting me work. The result has been a longer and longer wait in between contracts. This is stressful and is definitely not helping us reach our goal of paying off our debt. There is the option of changing to another agency, but that is a very long on boarding process that doesn’t really help things as they are also likely to be having the same problems as the agency that I am with.

This has lead me to looking into other options for employment. I am interested in working from home and there is plenty of nursing work out there for that. But that means that we need to get a better internet connection. Looking into that has become it’s own special adventure filled with an array of weird bullshit that simply makes no sense to me. We have had to provide proof of living at our apartment and I find that odd. Why do they care? If we are willing to connect and pay for the service what difference does this make to them? The challenge that this presents us is that we have been renting the same apartment for about twenty years and the address has changed since that time. But we haven’t gotten a new lease to reflect the new address. So, yeah. Now we are waiting to see what they decide to do with that.

Still looking at moving to New Zealand for the long term goal, but there have been several short term things that have been demanding my attention so that process hasn’t started yet. No idea when that will. There just never seems to be enough spoons available to get all of the things done that I want to get done in the time frame that I would like to have them done in. I find that very frustrating. Sometimes that makes it feel like there isn’t a point in struggling with it at all.

All of it. Just everything, has added up to me having an emotionally difficult time. I’ve been feeling like I am pushing a Sisyphus rock. And it seems like the hill I am pushing it up keeps getting steeper while the rock is getting heavier. I’m just left wondering when, if ever, it will be my turn? Life never guarantees anything which means that I could spend my whole life with this damn boulder and never get it to the top of this fucking hill. It also means that I might never get a turn. I might just sit here at the bottom forever. And I’m really getting tired of people telling me that if I just work hard enough I can have things and I can reach a point where I don’t have to slay myself just to meet our needs. Because I have been working really fucking hard for a really fucking long time and I don’t feel like things have gotten much better.

Today, I’m struggling with hope. This is a battle that I fight on a pretty regular basis and I generally don’t talk about it because I don’t want to bring people down. But this page is a place for honesty. What’s honest is that there are times that it all seems like too much and nothing seems worth fighting for. I’m using my coping skills and I’m reminding myself that these feelings will pass, because nothing lasts forever. This won’t either. Doesn’t make it any more fun to sit in while it’s here though.

Been spending a lot of time on You Tube, listening to music. I find it cathartic to listen to music that expresses the things that I am feeling. There is no one to talk to about all this stuff. When I do it just makes others worry and afraid. No reason to make someone else feel like crap too. That just adds guilt on top of everything else that I am feeling. But when I listen to these songs, I know that there is another person out there that has felt this way too. Even though I haven’t talked with them about these feelings, it helps me to feel like I am understood.

So, if you’re also out there having a hard time, know that you’re not alone. Me too. This chronic illness ride is pretty hard shit and there is no user manual. It’s okay to not be okay. We’ll get through, because nothing lasts forever.

Well, that’s about it for my rambling today. Thanks for coming and spending some time with me. If you like what you read, click on that like button. It really does help! Until we talk again, you take care of yourselves!

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