Hello Dazzle! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. Today I want to talk about how I reached a point of acceptance and love for my body that doesn’t work the way that it is supposed to. The first thing that I want to say is that I understand there are many people that take offense to the idea of a person with disability or chronic illness having a broken body. I am not talking about their body. I am speaking only about my body and my personal experience.
Why does my body feel like it is broken? There are many parts of myself that I can look at as be different rather then being broken, like having autism or ADHD. The reason that I struggle in society with those disorders is not because of the way that my brain functions, but rather society’s unwillingness to accept and allow for differences. This is not the same with my body. If I was not on medication, I would die. My body is literally built in such a way that it cannot maintain existence. To me, this is being broken rather then being different and I have yet to find a way to reframe that.
That being said, there are things that my body is doing well and that I am grateful for. It is through this flesh and bone that I experience the world. Nothing comes to me without first being funneled through my physical self. Every sun rise comes to me through my eyes. They are not perfect eyes, but they have allowed me to see many wonderful things. Every color I have ever known is because of this flesh that I have. Each sip of hot tea that I enjoy can only be experienced because I have a tongue. Everything that I have ever experienced in this world is because of this flesh that binds me to this reality. All the good as well as all the bad can only be experienced through this broken body that I reside within.
On the days that I am experiencing high levels of pain and begin to feel myself hating this body, I remind myself that it is also this body that has given me all my blessings. Every hug I have received, I hold within these arms. Each kiss that has been given to me still lingers upon these lips. The smell that settles in after the rain lingers in my memories. All of these little treasures are bound up into this broken body right next to the pain and suffering. When the tears come, I let it rain, knowing that is not the only weather that I will be given.
There are no cures for the illness that makes me dependent on medications to keep breathing. There is not treatment that can end the pain that I must always endure. But it is also true that for as long as I am upon this earth, residing within this flesh it will also offer me things of beauty. These beauties do nothing to dull the pain nor erase the need for medications. But all the suffering I have experienced over the entire course of my life does not negate the simple pleasure of hearing music playing from the other room while snuggled in a warm bed beneath a weighted blanket. Nor does it lessen the joy of knowing that there are tomorrows filled with tiny treasures to be enjoyed.
For all of life is held upon a balance. Nothing good without the bad and no joy without suffering can be placed upon these great scales. All the things within this universe can only be touched with the tips of these broken fingers. This mortal flesh is fragile, broken and flawed. But through it I can embrace the beauty of the world. Without it, there is only the unrelenting nothingness. I accept that the flesh that I wear is as complex and as messy as the soul that it contains; that the greater whole is something worth having despite the imperfections.
Well, that’s about it for my rambling today. Thanks for coming and spending some time with me. If you like what you read, click on that like button. It really does help! Until we talk again, you take care of yourselves!
Zebra Pig 