082121-0521

I feel nothing but the empty;
surging, huge inside me,
filling all my spaces
and silencing all my songs.
This world always told me
I can never belong.
Always reaching to reshape me,
pressing me against the mold,
forcing out all the colors.
I look at the mirrored grey
and I imagine the rainbow
and all the ways I was painted
before you had your way.
Looking out this little window
upon the expansive grey,
I wonder: who stole your light
and made you believe in shadows?
All the thieving generations,
blindly, grabbing at what is gone,
hurting all their babies,
snuffing out the little lights,
too painful to look upon.
This angry, raging circle,
cutting as it spins.
But why not
turn the lights back on?

082121-0513

eggshell fragile
with new skin
freshly shedding the old
sitting here in the sun
not brave enough yet to venture
recalling all the things
that I thought made me
and suddenly realizing
I’m none
I’m only this
bare
naked
new
nearing the last days
but always just born
still discovering
everything around me
is awe and luxury
always
still so new
standing on this earth
I can never be old
forever just a child
confused
seeking
lonely
hoping for the answers
and realizing I have none

The Existential Crisis

Hello my Zebras and Spoonies! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. Today I am going to be talking about the existential crisis and how they relate to having a chronic illness.

Let’s start off by talking about what an existential crisis is. Basically, it is when you reach a point in your life that you question the purpose, value and meaning of your life. This term comes from the ideas presented in existential philosophy. The central idea of which is that we have no purpose, value or meaning in life beyond that which we ourselves give it. Because of this, it is possible to have that foundation undermined.

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Update 072922

Hello my Zebras and Spoonies! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. Today I’m just going to be talking about how things have been going in my life.

I have been struggling over the past couple of weeks. I mean, the struggle has been there for years, really. But there are easier and harder times. This has been a harder time. Life is presenting me with a great deal of uncertainty and I have gotten better at dealing with that, but it is still difficult for me. It is uncomfortable to find myself again in this limbo of asking myself what I should be doing next. Seems I have been asking that question a lot lately and haven’t really discovered a good answer yet.

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