101922-0302

This diagnosis
describing a part of me
a bit of my fundamental self
not a thing separate from who I am

I am a Zebra and I am a Wife.
I am autistic and I am a sister.
All these: pieces of me.

Do not caution me against this.
Don’t tell me I cannot hug myself.

I carry these flags,
and I summon up my tribe.
These are my people:
here is the Dazzle and the Spoonies.

We are not broken.
We are not less than.
We may be different,
but where’s the crime?

Let’s celebrate all the colors
and light up this dreary world.
Let’s celebrate all humanity
and share in all the wonder.

I am different.
And so are you.

Do not reduce me
so you can better understand
Do not stuff me down
so you can better tolerate

Accept all that I am

All the strengths
and all the weaknesses.

Recognize all I offer.

Not only my failings
but all my achievements.

Give me permission
and let me be human.

100522-1545

Like badges of honor
my stretch marks and scars
outline my history.

They are not beautiful,
yet, I still am.

They tell the ugly truths
about all the hurts and hells
that I have lived through.

I do not love them,
yet, I love myself.

These lines that mark me
define so much of what I’ve been
and limit what I can become.

I embrace them,
as part of myself.


042722-0630

My fragile flesh now fails me
While my mind remains the same.
A prison of flesh and bones
I’m bound to this body.
An essential part of what I am.
Yet, this tangible stuff,
is not the essential stuff.
That which cannot be seen nor touched
Truly makes me what I am.
Do not judge me
for the tears I cry today
As I grieve the self I once imagined
and now know can never be.

Feel Better?

Hello my Zebras and Spoonies! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. Today is going to be a bit of a ranting day. It’s on the topic of mental health and the strange platitudes that people without mental illness give us. There are many that make sense to me and I understand why they say them, but there are many that have never made sense to me.

Alright, so I was reading around on the blogs that I follow and I came across something that really resonated with me on BlahPolar Diaries. So, here’s what was said:

And my shrink said, “don’t you feel better now that you know it wasn’t you, it was the disorder?” I don’t. Not even slightly.

Continue reading “Feel Better?”

The Narrative

Who we are is the story we tell ourselves. When we look back over our life events we paint those events into the context of the story we believe we are living and the character that we think we are. When a traumatic event happens to us, we can choose to recount those events within the context of the Story of the Survior or we can recount those same events within the context of the Story of the Victim. The events haven’t changed, but the story has and because that story has changed, the way that we view ourselves also changes.

Continue reading “The Narrative”

Matter

1. Matter,  as distinct from mind and spirit, is a broad word that applies to anything perceived, or known to be occupying space: solid matter; gaseous matter.
2. to be of importance; signify

www.dictionary.com

It is interesting that we use the same word to identify that something has substance and that it has meaning. Inherent in our language is the suggested value that all things that exist have meaning. This single shared meaning, suggestiong that simply existing equates with holding meaning and thus, having value.

Continue reading “Matter”