Feeling Responsible

Hello Dazzle! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. This past week was a pretty crappy week. I had a flair up of my MCAS. That meant taking some time off from work and not streaming. I hate doing both of those things because it always leads me to feeling like I’ve failed people. I know that I’m allowed to be human and to have sick days, but that’s what the little gremlin in my head keeps telling me.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I find that there is a distinct difference between logically knowing a thing and how I emotionally respond to a thing. Like this week. I logically know that there are times that I am going to have flairs and that I am not going to be able to do things. That’s just part of having chronic illness. It has nothing to do with my quality of character or anything like that. I understand, believe and agree with that. Yet, every time it happens, I have the same emotional response that comes with the same sequence of thoughts. And those are all counter to what I really believe.

The first thing is that whatever I am feeling is valid. Those feelings of guilt and inadequacy come from years of being told that my value is directly connected to how productive I am being. Those feelings also come from years of being told that I should always put other people before myself. Those feelings are valid because they are reminding me of the years that I was being hurt by those world views and cultural expectations. So, I do my best to give those feelings some space and let myself have them. It’s not wrong that they are there.

The next step is deciding what you do with the emotions and thoughts that you are having. In this case, I choose to remind myself why I am no longer engaging in those behavioral patterns. When I have the thought: “People were expecting me to ___” I remind myself that I am not doing anything wrong. Sometimes plans have to change at the last minute and that’s alright. Every adult understands that about making plans for the future. There fore, it is fair and reasonable for me to change my plans with people if I need to. That’s how planning works.

I also remind myself that I am not the shepherd of other people’s feelings. When we make choices and take actions in our lives it will have impacts on those around us. While we should try to do things in a manner that will not cause others harm, we need to understand that there is no way to predict or own the emotions of other people. They are entitled to have whatever emotional response they have in response to the choices that I make, but I am never responsible for their emotions.

I think that it is important to pause here a moment and really look at what responsibility means. We often use the word responsible when someone has caused something to happen, but that’s not really what that word means. Responsible is defined as: “having an obligation to do something, or having control over or care for someone, as part of one’s job or role.” It is completely possible for me to be the CAUSE of someone’s emotions, but that never means that I am RESPONSIBLE for those emotions.

We are the shepherd of our own heart.

The only person that can choose how to act upon an emotion that they are having is the person that is having that emotion. This means that the only person that can be responsible for a person’s emotions is the person that is having those emotions. Other people can provide support or guidance through emotionally difficult times, but the choices made regarding those emotions is always solely under the control of the person who is having those emotions. Even as a parent helping their child, you are not responsible for your child’s emotions. You are responsible for their BEHAVIOR. That’s a very different thing. Because in the end, you can’t change their emotions, but you can help other people regulate their emotions. Which is to say that you can help people make better choices about what behaviors to engage in as a response to the emotions they are having.

I personally find it helpful to remind myself that emotions are body signals. They are the same as hunger and thirst. Emotions are nothing more then signals being sent by our brain to help us interpret information. They provide us cues about our body needs. Fear and anxiety are cues for body safety. Love and affection are cues to help us get the physical contact that our bodies need. Every emotion is our brain trying to tell us about something that our bodies need.

When we consider our emotions in this way, it gives us the power to remove the value judgements that often come with them. The emotions of anger and sadness are often seen negatively because they are difficult and unpleasant to feel. We experience pain in the same way. But if we can remind ourselves that they have a functional, life saving purpose then we can look at them more positively. This means that they will no longer have a value of goodness or badness on them. They are just status updates.

The other thing that considering our emotions in this way allows is perspective. When we consider every emotion a cue it prompts us to ask the question: what am I being cued about right now? This can help us better regulate our emotions. When we address the source of the emotion then that emotion will resolve. This works the same way as hunger. Take care of the need and the cue resolves. Emotions are the same.

So, this week, when I was having all those emotions in response to needing to take some time off, I had to employ the above strategies. Because it came down to having the fear that people won’t allow me in their life if I am not always productive and functional. Well, those people probably exist. But I don’t want them in my life anyway so it is alright if they move along and find somewhere else to be.

Sometimes, we just need to be gentle with ourselves and remind ourselves of all the things that we tell our loved ones. It was that kind of week for me. Well, that’s about it for my rambling today. Thanks for coming and spending some time with me. If you like my rambling then click on that like button. It really does help! Until we talk again, you take care of yourselves!