Hello Dazzle! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. Today I want to talk about the idea that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
This is a myth.
When I hear people say this I know immediately that they do not understand the nature and dark truth of suicide.
It is a darkness that fills your cup a single drop at a time. So subtle at first that it can go unnoticed. As time passes and the cup fills things start to spill over and get out of control.
There is nothing temporary leading to suicide. Rather this is the final, desperate act to escape from the unrelenting suffering that has taken hold and looms with the damning progrognsis of being forever.
These thoughts are familiar and have become a constant part of my mental landscape. These thoughts are born from my years of suffering.
It is about knowing that I am neurodivergent in a world not designed for me and that I will spend my entire life clinging to the fringes of society struggling to be accepted.
It is about having been born with a genetic disorder that is not well understood or well researched or even well known within the realm of healthcare. Which means that I know more about my disorder then most of my providers who are supposed to be helping me. All while I suffer the constant pain of my joints rubbing themselves into dust. Knowing that it will only get worse with time and that my providers will continue to have no solutions for me to achieve any kind of relief.
It is about being a transgender person in a society that has decided I don’t deserve human rights. Fearing that today is the day that someone decides I need no longer exist just because i am being the way that I was born.
When the thoughts of death come in it is as a reminder that it is the only way out. My joints will progressively get worse and the pain will increase as the time passes. Nothing to stop that beyond my death. As long as I am on this earth, I will be different from the neurotypical people. And it will take longer then my lifetime to evoke the change required to make me feel like I am a wanted member within society. And there is as much if not more work to be done to ensure that I can feel safe walking on these streets as a transgender person. These social problems will outlive me. Meaning that the only way I no longer have to struggle with them is to die.
Those are the facts of my life.
Death is my only escape from a landscape of pain, fear and rejection. It is the only possible end to the suffering that I face every day of my life.
Suicide is the permanent solution to the long standing and often permanent problems people face.
No one comes to suicide without having walked a long road. It takes a great deal to convince a person that there is nothing left inside them to deal with the suffering. Because it isn’t enough to have reasons to live. Those things can help. But in the end, it is about the suffering and having enough left inside yourself to lift that load up another day.
The truth that no one wants to talk about is that everyone has a breaking point. Research on torture has taught us a great deal about human resilience with the greatest truth being that no one is immune to the psychological effects of being forced to endure suffering.
Taking a look at the risk factors for suicide only reinforces the fact that these are not temporary problems. The list inudes: mental illness, chronic illnesses, chronic pain, legal problems, job loss, substance use disorders, being abused, history of abuse as a child, being bullied, social isolation, loss of relationships, death of a loved one, discrimination… and the list goes on. These are the kinds of problems that carry life long impacts. These are not temporary problems that flit through our lives in but a moment. These are the kinds of problems that storm into your life, churn it up and spit out something completely unrecognizable.
None of this is to say that there is no hope for those who are hearing Death’s Siren call. There are things that can help shore a person up and help them restore their inner reserves. But what I really wanted to stress today is that suicide is not caused by a fleeting moment of unhappiness. It is the final act after an unrelenting march.
Well, that’s about it for my rambling today. Thanks for coming and spending some time with me. If you like my rambling then click on that like button. It really does help! Until we talk again, you take care of yourselves!
Zebra Pig 
Leave a comment