There are things that they don’t tell you about becoming a nurse.
They don’t tell you that with every death you attend
the dead will take a piece of you
until you are hollowed out
and all you are is laying on the floor.
They don’t tell you that you will always do your best
while it will never be enough
because it doesn’t matter how many you save
you will always judge yourself by the one you lost.
They don’t tell you that you cannot save them all
and that in the end, you cannot save yourself.
They don’t tell you that you will want to repay the debt
but there is never enough to balance the scales
with the souls of the dead.
And they don’t tell you that you will give
until you have nothing left
then feel guilty when you cannot give more
and be left believing that you did everything wrong.
Because they don’t tell you that the system isn’t about healing,
it’s about profit
which leaves you desperately try to save everyone,
even yourself,
while the company bleeds everyone dry
denying you the possibility of everything that nursing should be.
Month: April 2024
10 Things Chronic Illness Has Taught Me
Hello Dazzle! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. Today I want to talk about some of the lessons that chronic illness has taught me.
1. I cannot rely upon my body.
We are all born into a meat boat that we must sail through our lives within. Everything that we experience in this life is through this vessel. And it will constantly change as we travel. Normally, these changes happen over years. Coming so slowly that we struggle to tell when those changes really began. But chronic illness changes your body dramatically and quickly. Sometimes, the body that you woke up with just isn’t the body that you go to sleep with at the end of the day. Being aware of the way that our bodies betray us has made me have a greater empathy for the elderly who share in the experience of the betrayal of the flesh.
Continue reading “10 Things Chronic Illness Has Taught Me”The Sadness of Enshrouded
Hello Dazzle! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. Today I want to talk about the game Enshrouded and why I think it is an incredibly sad story. There are spoilers in this game discussion so if you would like to play this game without spoilers then you should come back to this post later.
It’s important to note that this game is in early access and is currently incomplete. That means that there is the possibility that the story and world are going to be expanded. This means that the current impression that the story provides might change as we are given more of the world. That being said, I still feel that this first experience with the game was impactful and worth discussing, regardless of what it later becomes.
There are five NPCs and the game allows for up to six players at a time. This suggests that there are only eleven people who have survived without being corrupted by the Shroud. This isn’t a large enough group to re-establish humanity. Despite that, this small group has been charged with saving the world from the Shroud and they work towards that. But there isn’t any way that they can achieve their objective of restoring humanity to what it was before the Shroud. This is partly because there are enough of them to repopulate the world, but it is also because they aren’t really human anymore.
Every human within this game has been changed and there is no going back to what the world once was. That’s a somber message that slowly reveals itself as you explore the world and the story of this game. Each of the Flameborn have been changed to allow them to survive the Shroud and to use magic. This means that even though they have not been corrupted by the Shroud, they aren’t what they were before the Shroud.
We also see the Scavengers. These were once human. We know this because we are given the story of the Matrons and how they became corrupted by the use of the the Elixir and the Shroud. These humans have been twisted and changed. While they are clearly still human physically, they don’t behave in the ways that we expect humans would. They are more savage and primal. They seem hungry and angry.
There are also those that shuffle through the Shroud. Human forms now adorned with fungal growths. These are humans that have been enveloped and changed by the Shroud. They still have a general humanoid shape and have some cognitive capacity given that they are capable of using tools and weapons, but they aren’t really human any more. They are now a part of this fungal growth.
Every where you go in this world, there are the ruins of human civilization. Time is fuzzy and vague, leaving me unsure how much time has passed since the rise of the Shroud. There are the visible signs that a great deal of time has passed as evidenced by the crumbling of great stone structures. Yet, we are given the stories of the Matrons. In that story line, we learn that they were alive during the rise of the Shroud and became corrupted at that time. Yet, they are still present in the world. Does that mean that they have lived a really long time? Or does it mean that less time has passed then I assumed when seeing the decay of this world?
Given that this is a magical setting, either is possible. There is no reason that the Elixir couldn’t give humanity the ability to magically extend their lives. Nor is there any reason that the Shroud couldn’t be responsible for the extension of their lifespans. If it is the Shroud extending the life of the Matrons, what about those shuffling forms within the Shroud? Are these the same people who fell during the rise of the Shroud or are these their decedents? If they are the decedents, it suggests that humanity has changed in a sustainable way and has now evolved to live with the Shroud.
While you are exploring the ruins of this world, you find the places where the Flameborn were created and stored. There are numerous pods in each of these buildings. Most of these pods are broken and empty. This shows us that the Flameborn were intended to be an army, but instead only a few survived until the time of waking. This is another thing that suggests an extended passage of time. The failure of these pods seems reasonable and expected if centuries have passed since their creation. If it has only been the span of a human life time, why have so many of the pods failed?
When we wake into this world, we are greeted by the Flame and given our mission to save the world. We go about doing this. But soon, the state of the world is revealed and I cannot help but ask what we are fighting for. There is nothing left of the humanity that those who created us were trying to save. There is no bringing back what was lost. Do we continue our efforts because we are programmed to do so and have no choice? Or are our efforts a vain attempt to reclaim something of what we were?
Either way, I am left feeling sad about the emptiness of this world. It presents us with the inevitable fall of humanity as everything in this universe is finite and must come to an end. It raises the question of what we should do when we face that inevitability. There are those who have chosen to sit and face the coming of the Shroud with their loved ones in their arms. Quietly accepting what is coming. There are those who fought to the end and beyond the fall of humanity.
When our time comes, how should we face it? I have not found that Enshrouded offers an answer to this question. Instead it shows us the varied ways that humanity has historically approached their problems and is likely to face their demise. There is anger and wrath that twists us beyond recognition, becoming the Scavengers. There are those that become part of the Shroud and evolve in a manner that allows them to survive. Then there are those that choose to fight, even when there is nothing left to fight for.
The game Enshrouded portrays a bleak world overtaken by the Shroud, leaving only a few survivors who are no longer truly human. It raises questions about the futility of fighting for a lost humanity and the different ways people face their inevitable demise. The game offers no clear answer, leaving a sense of emptiness and inevitability. This is one of the saddest games that I have ever played.
Well, that’s about it for my rambling today. Thanks for coming and spending some time with me. If you like my rambling then click on that like button. It really does help! Until we talk again, you take care of yourselves!
Great News!
Hello Dazzle! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. Today I wanted to celebrate that action has been taken to ensure body autonomy. DHHS put out a statement on 4/1/2024 (maybe not the best day to do this) that makes it clear that medical exams of all kinds require written consent from the patient. This is in direct response to the fact that doctors have been performing pelvic exams on women while they are under anesthesia.
Continue reading “Great News!”Game Review: Enshrouded
Hello Dazzle! Thanks for coming and hanging out with me today, I’m glad that you are here. Today I am reviewing the game Enshrouded. This review contains spoilers, so if you want to play Enshrouded without spoilers, I recommend that you come back to this later!
Visual Style
The world is full of vibrant and rich colors, except within the areas of the shroud where there is a dullness and grey hue to everything. This color choice gives the visual cue that the shroud is draining the world of its vibrancy and vitality. Immediately upon entering the shroud for the first time, I am given the impression of entering a place of the dead and the forgotten. This color impression is augmented by the ruin and over growth that we see within the shrouded areas.
Music and Sound Effects
The music of the game often fades into the background and becomes subtle enough that I no longer pay it any attention. This is a powerful choice because when the music comes surging back into the for ground it ensures that I am paying attention to it. Sometimes this return of the music is to alert me to the presence of a threat and impending battle. Other times it is to emotionally augment a moment of story telling or exploration. The way that the music is used in this game is brilliant and does a good deal of heavy lifting towards setting the tone of the game.
Story Elements
As you progress through the game you are presented the story of this world in fragments. The NPCs of the world give you pieces and glimpses of what it was like to live here before the shroud. There are also documents scattered all through out the world for you to read that tells you the stories of various characters as the struggled during the rising of the shroud. You get this first story nugget upon leaving the room that you wake up in. As you step out into the world, you find a skeleton sitting on a bench with a paper next to them. This immediately introduces you to the setting and every fragment of story builds upon this introduction.
World or Setting
This game takes place in a fantasy apocalypse. Ancient beings gave humans the knowledge of Elixir which gave humanity the ability to use magic and made them feel more powerful. With this came an addiction of sorts that drove humanity to seek more Elixir. Mining that Elixir is what lead to the unleashing of the Shroud upon Embervale. Turns out that the Shroud is a fungal infection that had been dormant within the earth. When they created the Elixir wells, they disturbed that dormancy. The Shroud quickly moved over the world and corrupted everything that it enveloped. In an effort to save humanity, the Flameborn were created and placed into dormancy to wake at a later time to fight the Shroud. You play as one of the Flameborn now waking into the fallen world.
Characters
Currently, there are five NPCs available in the world. They are the only survivors from the time before the Shroud. The players are the Flameborn who were created to save the world from the Shroud and seemingly didn’t live in the world before the Shroud. Given that a game supports six players, this means that there are only eleven people left alive who have not been corrupted by the Shroud.
Each NPC is a craft person that provides assistance to the Flameborn. They teach you about the world and make it possible to create the tools that you need. We are told that the Blacksmith was the first person that was made into a Flameborn and that he volunteered to take that risk. This implies that they other crafts people also volunteered for the job in hopes of supporting those who would be fighting to save the world. We are given bits of back story for each of the crafts people that makes it clear that they were alive prior to the Shroud.
But we are not given any story about our character. We seem to have no backstory. This leaves the question of who or what we are. Were we a volunteer that was created into a Flameborn in the same manner at the craft people? Or are we something different? The Blacksmith speaks to us and about us as though he believes that there is a difference between us and the crafts people. Is this difference that we were made rather then changed? Or is the difference more mundane in that we simply have a different role to play in the battle against the Shroud?
Level of Challenge
In general, this game is not difficult. Once you get into it and become more familiar with the game it becomes very easy to set up your characters to readily defeat the challenges placed before them. This level of challenge is perfect for the approach this game takes. It allows the player to focus on exploring the world and delving into the story rather then getting overly focused on keeping their character alive.
User Interface
The user interface has everything that I expect in a modern game. There are options to adjust the sound and controls in a manner that suits you. It is compatible with both the key board and controller. The piece that really shines is the building interface which allows a great deal of both ease and flexibility. This interface is completely compatible with the controller which was refreshing.
The best game design feature is the manner in which the characters are not world bound. This means that I can take any character that I am playing into any world that I have access to. This means that you can work on a world with friends while you work on a world in solo play with the same character. Or you can play a tank build in one session then switch to a healing character in the next while remaining in the same world with your friends.
The other really cool design element of this game is that it refreshes itself every time you return to the world. This means that everything that is outside your base location returns to its pristine state. There is no way that you can ever run out of a resource because they respawn every time you come into the world. It also means that you never have to worry about missing out on getting gear or fighting a boss. They will respawn and be available to you again the next time you play.
Novelty or Unique Qualities
The mix of fantasy and an apocalypse was what makes this game so different then anything else that I have ever played. There are hundreds of apocalypse games and thousands of fantasy games, but I’m not aware of any other game or any other story for that matter that has brought these two elements together. And it does it well. The story is cohesive and makes sense within its own construct.
Emotional Impact
Enshrouded has left me with a strong sense of melancholy. Everything around us has fallen into ruin. Humanity has lost everything to the Shroud. In every document, you read of those who struggled to survive while the Shroud rose up over the world, but you know that they each eventually fail and fall to the Shroud. You know this, because the Shroud took everything.
Replay Value
As a survival crafting game, there is a ton of replay value. You can play through the quests as many times as you’d like. You can explore every nook and cranny of the world and there is plenty of incentive to do this as the player is rewarded with story nuggets and visual delights. There is an robust building mechanic that allows you to create very complex structures. They also provide a large variety of building materials and furniture to create with. The skill tree offers a ton of character flexibility that is worth exploring and playing with. There are numerous collectables in the game. There are all the story fragments to find and Shroud Roots to destroy. There are achievements to complete.
As of the time I am writing this, I have put 175 hours into this game and don’t feel that I have used up the replay value of this game. I have yet to complete all the achievements, haven’t found all the collectables and still have areas on the map to explore. Despite being and incomplete, early access game, there is a ton of content already here.
Do I Recommend It?
Personally, I am obsessed with this game and strongly recommend it to anyone. There really is something for every type of player and every mood you might have while playing. Want to run around the world and fight monsters? This game has that and even offers bosses to challenge you. If you’re in the mood to wander and explore, there is plenty to see and a lot of story to uncover. Want to build? Yup, you can do that. Farming is even an option. It also allows you to play with your friends or solo without making the game feel that it is designed for one or the other.
Well, that’s about it for my rambling today. Thanks for coming and spending some time with me. If you like what you read, click on that like button. It really does help! Until we talk again, you take care of yourselves!
040124-0329
You told me
I can become anything
all I need is to believe
but I never grew wings
and when I fell down
it was you that found me
told me I am nothing
always trying to become
everything you wanted
lost hold of all that I am
Hollowed it out for you
eviscerated soul still bleeding
and not enough for you
never quite what you hoped
not realizing your dreams
diagnosis and condemnation
judgement before I arrived
and never allowed more
this mask I wear for you
can longer be removed
permanently disappointing you
cutting deep
melting into flesh
blurred edges
I gave you everything
you said I was essential
now broken and empty
you've forgotten
I never will
Zebra Pig 